(no subject)
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I am moving to Portland in a couple weeks.

How odd.

I am moving because of financial reasons, or at least that is the instant cause of the move. I am moving because Portland is amazing and Indiana is awful. I am moving so I can feel loved, not necessarily in a romantic way, but just understood and cared for. Everyone is going to think I am moving to be with R.

I need to figure out what I want to take with me, not in the context of what I want to get rid of, but of what I need to keep. By the very nature of moving 2000 miles away in an airplane, I have a limited amount of space in which to carry things.

I have a life out there, already. I mean, I don't have a job yet, or a house, but I have more friends than I have had in years, and more love than I think I have ever had directed at me.

What a presumptuous thing for me to say.

Anyway, I HAVE friends. I have friends in Portland, I have friends in Massachusetts, I have friends in Indiana... I am hoping Portland is my final destination.

Things are going well with my new lover, R. We are both trying to be sane while falling madly in love. She told me not to fall in love with her, and I told her that was an unrealistic and unfair thing to request of me. Two days later, we admitted we were in love. There's so much more I could say, but the only things worth saying here and now are that she is beautiful and wonderful, she loves me, and she says "baggle" instead of "bagel" and I tell her it makes me swoon and then she blushes.

So many people seem more interested in me and my life now that I am leaving Indiana. It's as though moving is a novelty. I just want to be home, with a garden full of purple flowers, tea and biscuits and fresh fruit, and R. in a blue satin sundress.

Right now I am tired and there is a thunderstorm, and tornado warnings.

(no subject)
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Last night was D's Celebration Of Life. In all technicality, it was not a memorial. He had said he did not want a memorial, he wanted a party. And a party is what he got. The official headcount for the official event was 381 people who between the totality donated $5000 to help cover the costs of his cremation. People sang songs, read poems and quotes and memories, drank, and cried. There were drag queens galore. The club where the event was held was packed.

After the official event, nearly everyone shuttled over to Downtown Olly's, the local gay sports bar, to celebrate his life in karaoke form. There was much more singing and crying and CLAPPING, LOVING, DRINKING, TIPPING...as he always encouraged all of us to do during every show he hosted. More money was donated, though I don't know the official count there. I sang "I'm On A Boat", which he always said was his second favourite love song, and which he always loved for me to sing. The last song of the night was "Why Don't You And I," sung by our mutual friend Jen. She explained that he used to sing it to her all the time when they were dating. The lyrics are oddly appropriate for all of us now. All that aside, a couple weeks ago I accidentally nicknamed D "cloudpuppy," and the song Jen sang had a couple lines in it which, when keeping the nickname in mind, caused me to break down. You can look up the lyrics if you are curious. Suffice to say, I wish I could believe in an afterlife, because then I could consider what happened to be some sort of sign of communication from him.

Also, I put the set of dice that I was going to give him for Christmas into a pouch which I have been wearing around my neck. I have discovered that if I grasp it just right and close my eyes, it feels remarkably like I am holding his hand again.

(no subject)
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At 3:30 AM on Friday, December 31st, I found out that my best friend and the man I have been in love with for over two years died in his sleep.

I keep hoping someone is going to tell me this is all just a joke, a test of some sort, but deep down I know I have to face this head-on. I wish I were one of those people who truly believes in an afterlife, because right now it would be comforting to think that I might see him again some day, but as far as I can know, there is no afterlife.

I will never see him at the bar again.

I will never hear him call me his "buddy, Duke" again.

I will never get to find out whether or not he really was an awesome dungeon master.

I will never get to dedicate a song to him at karaoke and know that he can hear it again.

I will never get another text message from him.

I will never hear him ask me for "back scratchies" again.

I will never get to bring him the home-cooked meals I promised.

I just saw him ten days ago, on Wednesday night, and asked me for back rubs to remember me by, and I just talked to him on Tuesday afternoon, when he texted me to ask how my vacation was going. The last thing I said to him was that I love him and miss him and looked forward to seeing him when I get back home.

He was my biggest supporter and staunchest ally, and above all, one of the best friends I could have hoped for in these past few months. He never failed to go above and beyond any amazing thing I could have even hoped he might do or say.

I am glad I got to tell him I love him. And I dare say, I am glad that in the last couple weeks, he really seemed to understand what I meant.

I am glad I told him, because I meant it, and I mean it, and I'll never get to tell him again and be certain that he is out there receiving the message. It doesn't mean I won't try, though.


I love you, D.

(no subject)
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So, I guess I've not been posting much lately.

I've been going on dates with the lovely Mx. Kitten, and those have been going well. We snuggle and hang out and sing and...and so on, and it is good. And we are both in the same situation (single for the first time in six years as of July 4th after moving to Indianapolis to be with our respective ex-lovers) and neither of us is looking to be not-single right now, but my gosh do we ever get along really well.


Anyway, I am looking to move to downtown Indianapolis in a couple months, so there's that.

And for my own posterity, I am now going to list all the things I wish I had the money to buy:


1. New glasses. I need them
2. A scooter.
3. Vacations. I want to go to the mountains. And I want to take Kitten to Massachusetts.
4. A corset. I still want one.
5. Chest surgery? I don't know. Sort of? But I guess I might kind of miss my fat bags sometimes. Maybe, or maybe not.
6. OMG CHINESE FOOD
7. A gerbil, or if we're talking about pipe dreams, a pet squirrel.
8. MOAR TATTOOS
9. My testosterone. I miss it. I need more.
10. An apartment downtown, within walking distance of Olly's.
11. A new computer for the new apartment. This one, if we're dreaming: http://g4tv.com/attackoftheshow/gadgetpr0n/71712/Alienware-Area-51-Gaming-PC-Review.html . My lappy is nice, but I want to play games.
12. A PS2
13. Katamari Damacy
14. Guitar Hero
15. A fully-stocked liquor cabinet.

Stuff I Did On Twitter
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Stuff I Did On Twitter
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  • 23:59 listening to "Stephen Schwartz Performs "Corner of the Sky"" ♫ blip.fm/~r8w7a #
  • 03:27 Best song. Best show. Best kiss. EVER. ♫ blip.fm/~r92rs #
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Stuff I Did On Twitter
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  • 19:45 I'm not o-fucking-kay! ♫ blip.fm/~r8jj4 #
  • 19:48 listening to "Today for you Tomorrow for me! From RENT" ♫ blip.fm/~r8jon #
  • 20:01 To faggots, lezzies, dykes, crossdressers too! To me, to me, to me, to you, to you, to you, you, and you! ♫ blip.fm/~r8kbu #
  • 20:14 listening to "What is This Feeling (Loathing) Wicked cover" ♫ blip.fm/~r8l0g #
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Stuff I Did On Twitter
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  • 20:59 A Gundam Wing video for this song? SERIOUSLY? ♫ blip.fm/~r6v6i #
  • 21:05 Remember when Garth Brooks tried to do not-country-music under an assumed identity? ♫ blip.fm/~r6vhi #
  • 21:27 listening to "Johnny Cash Show: Johnny Cash & Friends - Daddy Sang Bass (HQ)" ♫ blip.fm/~r6wpm #
  • 21:48 listening to "Counting Crows - Round Here" ♫ blip.fm/~r6xx7 #
  • 23:19 listening to "Antony & The Johnsons - Cripple and the Starfish" ♫ blip.fm/~r723j #
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Stuff I Did On Twitter
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Stuff I Did On Twitter
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  • 11:17 listening to "DDR - Cow Girl" ♫ blip.fm/~r1lf2 #
  • 21:58 It's just damage control for a walking corpse like me. ♫ blip.fm/~r2qi1 #
  • 22:03 listening to "Buddy Holly - Everyday" ♫ blip.fm/~r2qse #
  • 22:09 listening to "Shawn Elliott - Shame And Scandal In The Family - Roulette RECORDS" ♫ blip.fm/~r2r42 #
  • 22:13 listening to "Reel Big Fish - Sell Out" ♫ blip.fm/~r2rdx #
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